I have received a number of messages from Sam. He is not unattractive, but his profile is incredibly immature. He graduated a year ago. He misses partying SO much. Yes, beer can be tasty. Guess what? There is so much more to life! Go find out, Sam! Grow some balls, grow up! His pictures show him in various states of disarray: On a porch, wearing a blazer without a shirt, and no shoes. With an arm around a buddy holding a beer – slightly out of focus picture, slightly out of focus eyes. In a Halloween costume. With his family…aw that’s actually quite nice.

Sam: Hey! What up with you????
Sam: Find me on facebook, Sam at UCSB!!!!
Sam: Should I stop bugging you…? I think…I think I’m in love!!
Me: From your pictures, it seems like you are the kind of person who is drunk 75% of the time.

Suffice it to say, yes, I think we have nothing in common. I hope he doesn’t read this as ‘wow, you look like so much fun!’ That is not what I mean at all.

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Posted in Match.com, Message Responses | Leave a comment

No Commitment

What says no commitment like flying across the country for a weekend visit? Here’s to hoping he takes me seriously when I say I just want to visit for the weekend, but don’t think about this too hard.

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Tooth Gel Man Continued…

December 7th, me: Maybe you should get new friends? Tooth gel is pretty important, at least to me. Did you go on any dates? Are you into older women? I would definitely be intrigued by an old woman telling me I have a beautiful soul.

December 7th, TGM: i see. if i were a 60 year old woman i would be more your type. well… i guess i could get a sex change and then try again in a few decades. you’re right. i should get new friends, tooth gel friends. i think today i will go hang around the tooth gel section of the store and try to make some new friends. as much as the 60 year old women intrigued me, i have not gone on any dates yet. and yes. i am into older women. why would i waste my time with a 21 year old woman? yuck! gross! who in their right mind would ever want to go out with a young woman when he could go out with a nice 60 year old? think of all the money i could save on senior discounts!

December 13th, TGM: so that’s it then? you describe yourself to me as a frigid calculating thief who causes lots of unnecessary drama AND shares a passion for tooth gel, MY DREAM GIRL!!! and then you just stop talking to me? my heart my heart. the only way i have been able to deal with the pain is brushing all day every day with extra gel. but then again the gel is such a painful reminder of what we shared. i may have to switch to paste! how could you do this to me? you have ruined my life!!!

December 23rd, me: The other day I was running through the woods. Sometimes I envision a tiger or a child on a pogo stick chasing me because it inspires me to run faster. I was wearing gloves because when you run and then it is so cold that your fingers ache and you can’t bend your knuckles and your skin is so dry that it feels like it’s cracking, it’s quite unpleasant. Gloves are crucial. The pathway is thin and not always well marked. Roots ebb and flow around and over and you step on them, cognizant and careful. I came to a clearing where the grass was shorter, as if a family of deer had only just risen from their slumber, and you were far enough from the continuation of forest, of engulfing trees, that you could see through them and make out individual characteristics – the large oak with it’s stump, just beginning to be hollowed out by critters, having fallen to the ground I’d guess within the past year, maybe last winter. And I though aha!

December 23rd, TGM: when i ride my bike it’s freezing cold so i always bundle up with gloves and a ski mask! people often stare at me in my ski mask especially when it’s over 60 degrees, but it gets really cold on my bike with the wind. there are no tigers or pogo sticked children chasing me, but sometimes i am in a battlestar gallactica space fighter blasting through the universe. the other day while riding through the park a seagull was flying towards me. i had the bone chilling dread that it was going to poop on me. it was flying in a perfect line and i KNEW it was going to poop right over me. then just like a bomber plane it released it’s spew perfectly to fall right on me. everything started to happen in slow motion. i had to swerve to avoid the poo. the only place to turn was to the left right into the path of an oncoming van! i turned into the van! i couldn’t help it. the poo was flying at me. i did not want to get pood on!!! but then facing a head on collision with a van, i realized the poo wasn’t so bad. so i turned back into the path of the poo and got some on my leg 😦

December 24th, me: I am going to be a professional tambourine shiner in a couple of years, once I finish my training. I wanted to shine triangles but only truly elite people are able to do that. Perhaps if you retire from gambling, you will shine triangles?

He hasn’t responded yet, maybe he’s tired of my games.

Posted in Match.com, Tooth Gel | Leave a comment

If I were to respond…

The latest match messages. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all…or just write about it on an anonymous blog.

Sam: I enjoyed reading through your profile. I look forward to the two of us getting to know each other.
Me: How are you going to get to know me if you don’t ask me anything about myself or tell me anything about you?

Sam: I really like your profile…Your pictures and profile description are adorable…I would love to talk to you if you are interested …Take care and I hope you are enjoying your holidays. aahhh its 1:19AM already,,,,I am going to sleep now…sleep dreams 🙂
Me: “aahhh”…that’s weird coming from someone I don’t know at all.

Sam: Hi Shortie. Is that really you climbing? That is a pretty cool picture. I just started climbing again too.
Me: Actually I took a picture, posing in a climbing harness and helmet, in that position and then photoshopped it onto a picture of a rock so people would think I was outdoorsy. I’m so glad it worked!

Sam: Heya! You’re super cute. Your profile is pretty empty so there isn’t a ton to say…
Me: Wouldn’t that give you more to talk about? i.e. I don’t know anything about you, so the question possibilities are endless. No?

Sam: Hi there, I just wanted to write to say hi. Where are you living these days? Hope life is going well. Sam.
Me: 1. Learn to use pronouns. 2. You already did say hi…

Posted in Match.com, Messages I didn't respond to | Leave a comment

The date was going so well…

Guys often don’t realize things that are really obvious to girls.  Mostly what freaks out a girl, what comes across as sketchy; that kind of thing.
I went out to coffee with a guy I had met on Match – Sam.  He seemed like someone I could be interested in – he graduated from a great school last year, was an athlete with a good job and our conversation was entertaining and flowed from one topic to another naturally.  So now we went out to dinner.  He picked a nice but not super-fancy restaurant and paid for the meal.  He’d said a few things at dinner that struck me as….well not odd, but just characteristic of the kind of person I’m not generally attracted to.
He doesn’t like the kind of people that go to shopping malls.  I am most definitely the kind of person that goes to shopping malls.  A person I date does not have to like, understand, or even support my obsession with shoes, but they absolutely must tolerate it and not judge me for it.  It’s not negotiable.  Sam doesn’t really like popular music.  Why?  Is he 16 and doesn’t want to conform to the oppressive tyranny of the majority?  (Thanks for that awesome phrase TJ!)  I have no idea, but I do know that while the occasional indie concert sounds fun, I am all for listening to the top 40 on the radio and knowing half the words.  Call me unoriginal.
After the date, Sam asked if I wanted to go back to his apartment, where his flatmates were hanging out.  The conversation proceeded:
Me: Ummm…
Sam: We don’t have to..
Yes, obviously we don’t have to.  If I thought that I was in a situation where I HAD to, my reaction would be far more alarmed than “umm” . . .
Me: Well, really briefly?  Is it close?
Sam: Yeah, it’s right around the corner.
We left the restaurant and walked between two stretches of buildings.  The passage wasn’t a street but it was definitely wider, better lit, and cleaner than an ally.  A “stally,” perhaps.
Me: It’s a good thing you seem trustworthy.
Sam: Why’s that?
Me: I don’t know you that well and we’re walking down a random way?
This was my entirely unsubtle way of saying this is a bit creepy, reassuring words would REALLY be appreciated right now.  His response was not exactly what I was looking for.
Sam: Haha, I won’t try anything.
Damn right you won’t try anything because if you did I would karate chop you and you would regret ever knowing how to work the Internet.  But also: creepy response!  I know he didn’t mean for it to come across that way, otherwise I would have left and not continued this failure-at-socially-acceptable-interaction.  We were only at his place about ten minutes before I said I should probably go hail a cab.  I’m not entirely certain what his thought process was when he decided to go back to his place.  The logical conclusion would be something of the physical nature, but he couldn’t possible be so daft to think that was a possibility when this was only the second time we had ever met.  I think it was more of: I usually eat, then go home.  Now I am eating with Shortie, now I’ll go home.  And she can come too.
If I do see him again, which I am not going to pursue but I’m not actively opposed to either, I’ll make sure to avoid his place and his roommates and that whole situation that took a rather enjoyable date and suddenly launched it to a place where expected behavior was far too uncertain for my comfort.

Posted in Match.com, New Words | Leave a comment

Ninja Date

SD: So as far as our date is concerned, what kind of apparel do i need? I assume that since you asked me you are responsible for implementing the dress code.
Me:  A jumpsuit.
SD:  Okay, any color in particular?
Me:  Black, so that it’s multifunctional.
SD:  What are the functions?
Me:  Skydiving protection and ninja-gear.
SD:  Don’t get your hopes up, I’m going to wear my chastity belt underneath and I’m leaving the key at home.
Me:  It’s a ninja outfit.  I’ll be stealthier than any lock.
SD:  You are no locksmith.  It’s like a vault in the form of a belt.  And you are no ninja.  I heard if you’re blonde and  under 5’4” you weren’t allowed to be a ninja.
Me: You heard wrong.
Posted in We're Just Friends | Leave a comment

Nice guys do finish last?…oops

I have been flirting with a freshman recently.
Over the past month, our relationship has gone something like this: Meet, flirt, think to myself ‘no, no, he is too young,’ get over that and decide to not analyze anything at all, study together/ flirt on a more consistent basis, completely mislead the poor lad, decide that indeed he is too young and has no idea who he is or what he wants in life yet, and then have the impressively only semi-awkward I-think-of-you-only-as-a-friend-but-sometimes-I-want-to-makeout-with-you conversation. There are a few gems of wisdom I have gained from this experience:
1. If he might be too young, he is definitely too young. I have always had a strict no-younger-men policy. I should have stuck to that. I want someone who knows who they are at least 80% (on the assumption that no one ever knows the last 10% of their identity since identity is subject to change and fluctuation, etc.).
2. There are some nice guys out there! I usually go for complete tools so I assumed that when I stopped calling the freshman, that would be the end and since he doesn’t give a hoot, as most men don’t, he wouldn’t call and we could attest the lack of hanging out to “it fizzled.” Wrong. He did call, he wanted to know “what was going on.” Oh.
3. When you want nothing more than a flirtation, try to make it someone you don’t see nearly everyday. I see the freshman all the time. This made it substantially more difficult to keep the very casual, no strings attached, unemotional banter continuing. ‘How was your day?’ leads to far more details than ‘how was your week?’ and thus you get to know the person more than you would otherwise. If we had a ‘how was your week?’ kind of relationship maybe it would have taken me longer to realize how little we have in common as grounds for anything romantic. It would have prolonged the fun. Shame.
4. This is great, it has led to a new vocab word – HWYW: (adj.) ‘how was your week.’ Referring to a casual, not particularly emotionally invested relationship. It sounds so much better than ‘casual,’ which makes you sound like a slut. I haven’t figured out the pronunciation yet, but I’ll get back to you.
Lucky for me, this guy is a sweetheart. He sent me a follow up text to say we should still hang out and he considers me a ‘good friend.’ Aww! What an ideal situation. And if we end up making out again, it’s cool.

Posted in New Words, Words of Wisdom | Leave a comment