I met a really special guy on Match. Tooth gel man (“TGM”) …
November 27, TGM: I can’t believe how many people dump detergent on top of their clothes. It’s so obvious the best way is to put in the detergent before the clothes, mix it with the water, then put in the clothes, right?
What a ridiculous message! TGM’s profile was hilarious, and intriguing in an I-think-you-might-be-the-strangest-person-I’ve-ever-met-please-tell-me-more kind of way. It said: I look down on people who use toothpaste. I use tooth gel. The kind of woman I am looking for? A frigid, calculating thief who lies cheats and causes a lot of unnecessary drama. I am my own boss and if I make less than $400 an hour it is a bad day at work. I get to travel the world, can you guess what I do? It was like a riddle, I had to know the answer, so of course I responded to his message.
November 27, me: I use tooth gel. It is so far superior to toothpaste. I am a frigid, calculating thief who lies, cheats, and causes lots of unnecessary drama. Obviously we are meant to be friends. What do you do for a living?
November 27, TGM: are you serious about using tooth gel? i can’t believe how people refuse to get off toothpaste. what is wrong with people?!?! hahaha!!! ok i will tell you what i do. don’t judge me though. i am a professional online poker player. i hate casinos. i hate gambling even hahaha!! but it’s nice to have a “job” that i can work whenever and wherever i want(usually in bed), and i get to travel all over the world. i have met tons of really great people through online poker. i was shocked to find out this whole world existed. and woo hoo for the unnecessary drama! 🙂 you can talk to me on aim if you want. my name on there is SamTheMan
November 28, me: I love how tooth gel makes your teeth feel sparkling clean. The refreshing mint coolness washes over each tooth engulfing them like bear hugs. It makes me feel so comforted, like all the chaos in the world is calm, and everything is going to always be okay. My favorite thing about tooth gel is the container. It is a work of art. I think that mouth hygiene is of paramount importance. I first started using tooth gel about three years ago. I was fed up with tooth paste. I had long since reached the conclusion that tooth paste is completely superfluous. It is so thick and opaque and inadequate. I was sacrificing performance and satisfaction for conforming to social expectations. It just didn’t feel right. I tried using baking soda for a more natural approach to teeth brushing, but that let me down too. It was granular, like brushing my teeth with sand. Then I found tooth gel. My life has been transformed forever.
November 28, TGM: hahaha!!!! dam you!! i read the first sentence of your email and got so excited. i was thinking “wow this girl likes tooth gel just like i do!” and then i got the sinking feeling that you were just messing with me 😦 look have you even tried tooth gel? i am telling you it’s better. you can drink orange juice RIGHT AFTER BRUSHING!! and its fine! try that with tooth paste. yuck. anyway whichever side we come down on the tooth gel/paste issue it’s obvious you are being swept off your feet by the middle aged degenerate gambler from the internet dating site. i mean who wouldn’t be? what a catch! lucky girl:)
Uhoh, how do I salvage this entertainment?
December 2nd, me: I thought I had found someone who shares my passion for tooth gel. I have to say, I was not expecting the mocking response I received. How can you not take me seriously? I KNOW toothpaste + orange juice = the grossest thing ever!!!!!!!! EW. Tooth gel is amazing, it doesn’t have that problem at all. I’m trying to convince my friends to start using tooth gel but so far I haven’t been very successful. They say they like being conformists.
December 2nd, TGM: oh my god! tooth gel is nothing to joke about. it’s sacred! it’s toothpaste that is the big joke of the world! the fools! everyone is so foolish putting all that paste in their mouths like lemmings! i even bought tooth gel for several of my friends and they STILL use toothpaste! i can’t believe it. so have you met anyone from match yet? i bet you have had some “interesting” people write to you, even more interesting that aged tooth gel maniacs. i have had a few interesting people write to me. i haven’t met anyone yet, though i was agonizingly tempted by a few 60+ women who wrote to me and told me things like i had a beautiful soul. Sam.
I’m not really sure where to take it from here. There’s only so many things one can say about tooth gel. (Seriously, what the heck is it??)